SOLVE THIS PUZZLE if u can :)

[BonzaiJoe]

Actually it just sprung from somewhere in the back of my sub-consciousness when I was 11 years old. One day I will translate that short-story I wrote back then to english, so you call all read it (although it sucks, as I was 11 when I wrote it). Bonzai Joe is a character in that story. Jacky is another character in the story (the one who was actually supposed to be me).

Well, on the 14th of August 2013, deep in a pile of mouldy cardboard boxes, in a remote and dark room somewhere in my parents' basement in Aarhus, I found this story. I'm going to translate it to English, and soon you can get to know the original Bonzai Joe.

[zaqrack]

looking forward to it!

[CTG]

BJ is a giant. Not in Stunts.

[BonzaiJoe]

Well, prepare for an eternal classic of world literature......


      "A Short Test Ride"
   In the year 2124

GEDOPEDRO: An alien from outer space. Commanding officer of the spaceship Pdnjgierhgkbrvw
MAHUTBAKUT: Low ranking alien on the spaceship Pdnjgierhgkbrvw
BONZAI JOE: American from Los Angeles with a great love for adventure. He's part of the exploration team.
JACKY: Music lover and spaceshipS-EXpert from Newcastle, England. Good friends with Bonzai Joe. (me)
DRJIMO BAROZOZEVIC: Also part of the space search.
LAURENT DIARÉRE: Frenchman from Paris, construction manager, hired to draw the buildings.
GIOVANNI MANCINI: First mate of the spaceship.
GIURGIO BONDEMANDO: The farmer who finds the spaceship Pdnjgierhgkbrvw
FEGLAKSEBOXO: Second commanding officer on the spaceship Pdnjgierhgkbrvw
MR. OKSEBUMBUM: Assistant to the farmer Bondemando

1
Blip, blop, blap, beeblebeep, a digital voice informs that the ship is approaching a planet which looks to be inhabitable, and everything is functioning optimally. Immediately, a strange looking being goes over to a big screen and looks into it. A great picture of the planet appears in the same moment. "A beautiful green and blue planet", Gedopedro says to Mahutbakut, "YES, sir." "Don't you think we should land here?" "YES, sir." "I'll contact Feglakseboxo." "OK sir, but what about Rabutagungo?" "He's still asleep." "Word up", Feglakseboxo says to Gedopedro. "That really is a nice planet down there, Feglakseboxo?" "Indeed".
(In fact, what they've said so far sounds like this: Gufe gerggdf hrs htrw vciui ugui guigui guigukgk ugkk gukjcnldas clsa lvsoibl li dwaoi lgwiruolmn l oijali qioutgsr 8o3fkclsd ala i oaiuosxjml kjzlvls flæ<zjlz gios isrll isrl i iu li i lilh oihci lhifilw lifwil i ilwjgh il whilwr il li hil hilhilhi lhighlsdighlwfvj aeæfld fgjilase ergroeg reilu eirlg "DHISLHFLS" djlfh esj oJW, but they have some clever translation devices so that we can understand what they're saying) "Let's land down there", "I'm with you". Feglakseboxo steers towards the planet and lands. "We're getting out, Gedopedro and Mahutbakut" "OOKK" - a fateful step and they all fell down dead. They couldn't breathe on Earth, and because of this, they died.

2
"We have to inspect the field, isn't that right Mr. Oksebumbum?", Giurgio Bondemando says to his assistant. "Why, yes", he replies. Every morning, Giurgio Bondemando and Mr. Oksebumbum take this trip out to inspect the field. After having walked for a while, Mr. Oksebumbum utters: "WHAT THE HELL!!!!§!"¤%&/()=?`´NMMÆ is that? A SPACESHIP!!. Diksebak Babøøøh Ugabuga Grallegux." Poor Mr. Oksebumbum, he's gone mad because of the sight of the UFO and the alien bodies. Old Bondemando stayed cool. He had seen a lot of things in his life, but still nothing quite liks this. He ran back to the house and called 911 on the phone. "Alarm central, how may we help you?" I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I have S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-S-Seen a U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-U-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O" "Haha, you're just playing with the phone". Slam. Bondemando runs out on the street and shouts: "HELP, I HAVE SEEN A UFO, and it's lying on my field." "What in THE HELL", someone said. "I'll contact...." his voice drowned. Bondemando waited patiently, and finally a whole research time arrived, consisting of: Bonzai Joe, Jacky, Dedrjino Barozozevic, Laurent Diarére and Giovanni Mancini.

3
"What in the motherfuck, the old guy is right", Giovanni Mancini says. "Yes, it's a bloody UFO", I blurt. "We better go examine it", Joe says. "Let's take a short test ride". Dedrjino Barozozevic steps in first and calls out "Marico Gomizax Sadrogrici" "Come here Bonzai Joe and all the rest of you!" "WOW" they shout with one voice. They didn't know Rabutegungo was in the ship, sleeping. "It's almost intact", Diarére says. "Should we try to press some of the buttons?", Barozozevic offers. "Mmmm, huuuhh, I think we should", I say. One button is labeled "Take Off", another "Engines", a third one "Navigation System", a fourth one "Cruise", a fifth one "Light Speed", a sixth one "Attack Speed", a seventh one "Radar", an eighth one "Weapons System", and then there is a ninth one labeled "Food and Drink". "Ehmm, there is a problem", I say. The prolem is that several wires are broken. Oh well, we have to fix them. "Click, dssssss z crunch bonk, OUCH!" After several hours of work, the wires have been reconnected and we're ready to fly. "Let's say... First we press 'Engines', then we press 'Radar' and then we press 'Take Off' and THEN we press 'Lightspeed', Bonzai Joe says. As a good friend, I say yes to his proposal.

4
We Hammered!!!!!!!!!! into space at the speed of light. "HELP!" I say, and suddenly everyone joins in: "HEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!". Then Bonzai Joe picks up some courage. He goes and presses "Navigation System", and it gets a little more calm. The computer lights up and displays a map of space. Joe presses "Scan" and a cursor begins to dart across the map. Suddenly, a close-up of a planet appears. The name is written above it. The planet is called 'Unknown!'. "Woohoo!" That means nobody has been there before. "Hey, what's this button?", Diarére exclaims - "I think I'll just try pressing it!?" "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!". Click. He presses the button. "Enter a number", it says on the screen. "NO! Don't!", "YES!" "NO! " YES NO"!. The number that ended up on the screen was 34857356983947328599328498457348528379588329732537284932463289203402394998767648920389492893949898576089020025456787548534874876579839929222004395436. Oh no!
IJEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - and they flew into space, towards new planets.

5
Poor Diarére. He shall probably never be forgiven for this. But whatever! They flew on, and then they came by a black hole. They all got sucked in and died.......... or so you thought! Actually they were just pulled into another universe. And the computer has no map of that universe. The five voyagers were frightened by a sudden beeping. I look at the screen and alert the others that it says 'Obtaining Planet' on the screen. Then I press "Land" and Pdnjgierhgkbrvw lands on the planet with a thud. "Wow! That's a beautiful planet", Barozozevic exclaims. "Let's investigate this planet", says Mancini to the rest of us, and he gets out. "GOD! He's lucky he can breathe out there", I say. "Okay, let's al get out", says Bonzai Joe, but first let's press "Food and drink". AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! That was a nice meal. OH WELL! Back to reality. We get out on the planet and a very beautiful sight meets our eyes. A true paradise. "Okay, you, Mancini, fly back to Earth and get us some reinforcements while we begin to investigate and colonize the planet.

6
Mancini gets into the ship to fly back to Earth. Our colonists began by raising the Union Jack(y), then we begin to examine the planet. Luckily we've brought a stock of spaceship food. For a long time we walk, then, without finding a suitable place. We were about to give up when we found a tera big green clearing. "We must build here", says Bonzai Joe. We began by carving some stone-rock-rubberization-material-object-thing  out of the cliffs. We would be able to build some primitive houses out of that. Four hours later the first house was done. I attempted to dig a well. I succeeded. I hardly dared taste the water, but I did it anyway. "Hmmmm", I thought. Then I fell down unconscious. The others ran out and wondered what had happened. What happened next wasn't experienced by me, but I've been told about it from my friends. After having built the houses, they fetch some spaceship food (which they've grown quite tired of by now), to eat. But in the middle of lunch, they see the fabulous sight of a spaceship darting towards the planet. It's Mancini returning.

7
They run to meet him, and even I am awaked by the landing. We speculate a lot about how he's arrived so quickly, but he explains: "Time is different in the universe than here under an atmosphere, so I could arrive back within half a day even though I've been on Earth for half a year. By the way I found an alien in the spaceship. His name is Rabutegungo. I just have one problem with him: he's unconscious!... But he's alive. We know we need to use a mineral called Stagbokanyt to bring him back to life. "Hmm.... Stagbokanyt..... I'VE GOT THAT!!!! right here in my back pocket. YES! Here it is. I". I gave it to Mancini, who proceeded to stuff it in the mouth of the alien. We stood and waited in waiting, until he suddenly came alive and said: "Genox zoczogak moko rewtoasdop", which means "Hello, I come in peace". "Earthly greetings, my name is Jacky", I tell him. The other colonists also greet him. "Look, I've brought many other earthlings, so now we can really colonize. What should we call the planet, by the way?" "Let's call it Jackbarbondiaman". "OK."

8
Further on, it also happened that the whole planet became an unpolluted metropolis paradise where everybody was welcome and where all the cities were built inside glass domes. Bonzai Joe and I made it as best friends, and when we died, we became saints. Diarere was lynched, but Barozozevic and Mancini also became famous. Society was much happier than before and the population problem was eliminated. Our primitive stone houses were preserved as museum items. Bondemando and even Mr. Oksebumbum became famous for having found the UFO. And you know what was the best part of it all? What made us most happy was............................................................................... <drum crescendo>................................................................ WE GOT TO EAT EARTH FOOD INSTEAD OF SPACESHIP FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The end.

[CTG]

I guess weed is still illegal in Denmark.

[Friker]

nice one!

[Chulk]

Diarere was lynched

Poor French guy! Hahaha

Excelent story, BJ! If I ever have enough money, I promise to produce a film with this story

[zaqrack]

I was LOLing several times.