Herr Otto Partz says you're all nothing but pipsqueaks!

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Topics - BonzaiJoe

March 15, 2018, 11:05:01 AM
Okay, so, I think there is no point hiding it anymore.

The times have passed, the sun has eclipsed the sky, the smell of the smoke from Ayrton's Indy has long left the hills and the palm trees and the tennis courts of this metaphorical Stunts track. The legends are doing loop jumps in Stunts Valhalla, where the cars cannot crash. All the ghosts have drifted away to the Stunts Underworld, where they are going in infinite circles in the LM-002 on a circular track with no scenery.
Alain Il Professore has a 9 to 5 office job and CTG is discovering how nice it is to tell the truth. Diesel Joe has stopped drinking. Akoss Poo finally tried eating chili beans from a pina and found out he didn't really like it that much. Argammon's ego has shrunk down to normal size, and Zakstunts is no longer run by Zak.

In the light of these circumstances, after 16 years of secrecy, I think it's time to announce it:
I have an announcement to make.

It was back in the immaculate morning of Stunts, in the fresh spring of Zakstunts, in the glory days of Roy Wiegerinck. Brave new pipsqueaks were discovering new tricks like scientists in their laboratories, and publishing their results in the top tier peer-reviewed journal known as the Zakstunts scoreboard. The inhuman perfectionism of Ayrton was far off in the future. Renato Biker was still biking around somewhere in Brazil, oblivious to Stunts. Even Alan Rotoi was an unheard-of phenomenon that we didn't know was about to hit us. It was in an age before Meganium Aces High, before Cork's Crew and before Orion.

We are now in April 2002. It was a very special month for me because it was the month that I won my very first Zakstunts track. One month earlier, in March, I had secured my very first victory in Stunts by winning the ancient ISA track "Glasgow". But everybody knew that Zakstunts was the grand slam of the game. So when I drove my Audi to glory, edging out Roy to second place, it was the pinnacle of my career thus far.

But there was something else about that month. Something that would be remembered for years, and long after the results of the track were forgotten. Something that caused the forums to erupt in speculations and back-and-forth debate. In the middle of the month, a mysterious replay suddenly landed in Zak's inbox. It was the weirdest thing we'd seen thus far. An unknown driver taking a very strange way around the track, going off into the scenery, and driving through a loop ten times in a row. It was a festival of bad, crazy and very strange Stunts driving. Because of its weirdness, the replay was made public before the track deadline.

Maybe you can already guess where I'm going with this. Maybe you have no idea because all this stuff happened 12 years before you came to this place. Maybe you don't even understand this because you're a spambot and there are no humans anymore on this forum.

In any case, the replay had come from a mysterious sender who had named himself "Short Cutfinder", as a reference to the emerging debate about "short cuts" and how so-called shortcut finders were less deserving winners than people who just drove really well.

And so I'm compelled to announce, before I die:

It was me.

I was Short Cutfinder. Short Cutfinder came from the Aarhus ghost factory.
I composed an email to Zak from a fake email address, written in bad English that was supposed to look like it was from a Hungarian person.

And so Roy Wiegerinck asked me in the MSN Chat after the race: "How does it feel to be in first and last place on the scoreboard?". I don't know how he knew it was me. But only a few months later, as the debate about the mysterious ghost pipsqueak was still active, Roy disappeared, and with him the only other keeper of this secret which I then took with me for 16 years until this day.

Meanwhile, back in 2002, a convenient thing happened: another pipsqueak was framed.
High on the success of Short Cutfinder in causing uproar in the community, I created another crazy replay and this time submitted it to Alain's ancient Francestunts competition. Just to shake things up a bit, I put the email through Babelfish (this was before Google Translate) and turned it into Italian. And a few days later, Alain went on the forum and said "Oh, I know Short Cutfinder. He's Italian".
Now, at that time, there was only one Italian pipsqueak around. "D@rio".
ZCT11 and ZCT12 had both been won by Roy using dual-way-switching, while some other pipsqueaks had spent hours making tricks and perfecting curves, only to find themselves in 7th place because they missed the way-switch. D@rio was one of these pipsqueaks. With a daring and awesome jump on ZCT11, he had earned himself the consolation prize of "Replay of the month" while finishing far down on the scoreboard, outmanoeuvered by tricksy shortcut finders. Finally it made sense. Short Cutfinder was D@rio. Angered by the ZCT11 debacle and the subsequent ZCT12 victory also being claimed by way-switchers, he had created a nonsense replay to highlight the poor racing quality of the shortcut finders, and then left the community and slammed the door.

But no, he hadn't. It was me. And I wasn't trying to make a point, I was just trying to be funny.

But D@rio really had left, so he never responded to the claims. So Short Cutfinder withdrew into the realm of legend, and I decided to let him live there. Until today.

That's all.
Short Cutfinder was the only ghost I ever made, except for Chicago Striker, a parody of the foul CTG-spawned ghost named Gelato Baker.
Or was he?
Is there another big announcement coming in another 16 years, in 2034, when the superintelligent AI has taken over the Earth?

No, there isn't.

Or is there?

No, there really isn't.

Chat - Misc / Hey Brazilians
May 01, 2017, 04:10:55 PM
1. Have you ever met anyone from the province of Acre?
2. Are things getting worse in Brazil at the moment?
3. Biscoito or bolacha?
4. Is that judge who's charging politicians with corruption protecting the right?
One really cool function for this forum would be a link to show new posts since last visit but not count posts made by certain, specified members. It would allow us to waste less time on CTG's ghosts' posts and only read the spam posted under his real name if we're in the mood.
I'm really bored at an irrelevant workshop, so I'm just gonna write a long post here about everything and nothing. It's been almost 14 years now. Wow! 14 years. Of course the last 8 of them have been a bit sleepy, but that's okay. I can't believe it's a racing game. It's not representative of me at all. I don't like cars. I spent some of my waking hours advocating the closure of streets in favour of transportation by bike or by foot. But Stunts is the lasting thing. It's the bridge from my childhood through my teenage years to my adulthood. The only other thing that's lasted is the music. And even that has changed much more. When I say Stunts, of course I mean the community, not the game. Even before I met you guys, it was a social thing. After school watching each other race and cheering each other on, or at home on countless afternoons with my friend, taking turns to beat each other's records or make spectacular crashes or keeping the car in the air for as long as possible. The green and black and blocky landscape of Stunts is a picture of a sense of community. Uncomplicated community (until the arrival of Argammon, CTG and Alain anyway) in the name of racing and laughing, which would later become "Stunts and grog", in the words of Alain il professore - a great guy who I regret expending so much hate on. Of course he spewed a lot himself too, but he was also both creative and mysteriously intelligent.
When the kids grew up only the true aficionados (me!) retained their love for the game, the community moved online and went international. And, of course, everyone else weird enough to keep nurturing their love for this strange racing game also turned out to be quirky, strong personalities. You made yourself characters on the forum and the races were not races of pipsqueaks but races of icons, like a Formula 1 starting grid with only the legends. Two pipsqueaks arrived without giving much of their personality: Ayrton and Renato Biker. They were the machines of the competition. The boring Vladimir Kramniks of Stunts. It spoke in the competition's favour that it had become prestigious enough for the machines to come and spend their bytes on it.
There have been three significant losses to the community: Krys Toff, Mingva and Alain. Argammon was always on/off and might return any minute. JTK is hopefully still almost here. He would be a bigger loss still. JTK: the godfather of the Stunts community. If we make a church, he would be the first saint. Saint Oliver of Kiel. Zak McKracken is too active and present to be a saint yet. He has kids. So does Usrin, and Krys Toff of course. But I can't think of anyone else. Maybe we are eccentrics or geeks after all. We sure look geeky on the 2005 WSM photograph. A photograph now from a distant past in which the community was still at a crescendo and not this long, beautiful outro. But 'Stunts and Grog' was a reality in 2004, 2005 and 2006, not just a dream. The beer bucket on my parents' sunny porch in Aarhus was a metaphor of the free happiness of the WSMs and the Stunts community. At least that's what it's been for me. The pains of a defeat or an annoying argument fade to nothing in comparison to all the excitement, curiosity and joy of racing with you guys. The only true cost has been hours. Hours spent racing on random tracks from StuntsLOL or Francestunts. I probably could have spent those better. Zak figured that one out. All my 1st places are not worth very much compared to the hours spent racing. But it was exciting and immersive. Some of you guys are addicted to the validation of winning, which is really a strange validation.
But ever since 2002, Stunts was life and life was Stunts. It was an Endless Paradise. Zak's Endless Paradise, which I destroyed by breaking into it and making it Our Endless Paradise. The blog. The adolescent musings. My Endless admiration for Zak. It was the other side of Stunts. It was not just a game. But it was also a game. It was good. Now it's 2014 and I'm trying to revive this symbiosis by writing this posts (but I'm being perfectly honest too when I say I'm writing this to pass the time during a boring presentation).
There were times when I wanted to be closer. The agony of meeting Duplode. It was bad enough with Zak in Hungary. We proved we were willing to travel to be together in the physical world, but the distance was still too big. Then Duplode enters the scene and the spiritual stratum of Cork's Crew. He's another kindred spirit in a far away land, his avatar right in my face but his corpus forever hidden. It was just like when I fell in with the fictional character of Amalia from The Castle. But we've all grown so old now! And I've learned to accept this reality. Words carry outlooks and alien outlooks are the most important thing if you want to grow. The community is real.
I only wish the forum consisted of more posts not by CTG. The forum is becoming a part of CTG's brain. Sometimes I feel like I'm CTG's ghost. Like we're all CTG's ghosts. But you can't have a community in one brain, try as you might. CTG will be the last person in the Stunts community. Nothing could make him leave. But of course I'll casually make a post here in 2031 after it's all over and 5 years after the last of a series of 473 final forum posts all made by CTG.

The presentation is ending, so in a minute I'll pack up my stuff and go home. For the sake of the legend, let's say I'm going to go out of the door of this depressing public building and be greeted by the cheer of a thousand fans. I'll stride purposefully along the red carpet, nod to Helen Wheels, put on my helmet and sit down in my Indy, parked on the street outside. Helen and I will hit our gas pedals and go to Joe's, where we'll hang out with Bernie and Skid and Alain il professore and pArAnO and Mark Nailwood. Then in the evening light, we'll all drive our cars (with our windows open) to the Stunts track and make spectacular jumps and loops well into the night. Bernie will crash, of course, and will have to be taken home in JTK's van.
Then I'll go to sleep and dream about how to re-take the record on Default.
Chat - Misc / Yet another announcement
December 30, 2013, 11:57:04 AM
I would like to announce that I don't have anything to announce. Feel free to go on with whatever you were doing.
Chat - Misc / The End - Streetcats / The New Wave
December 04, 2013, 06:04:30 PM
Here's my band's new video:

...and you can listen to the entire single here:

If you like it, please feel free to share it!

We hope one day to be as great as Böhm-Kalpen-Maass...

As of August 24th, 9:50 AM CET

1. How many correct predictions has CTG made so far?
2. What is the average number of people who have made predictions for each round?
3. How many points do people expect the winner to get on average?
4. How many times has Akoss Poo been predicted as taking last place?
5. Date of the opening of "Prediction game for estimation game" thread?
6. Number of unrelated posts (not containing predictions) made in the official thread?
7. How many views did the thread have at the moment of the posting of this message?
8. Number of days passed between the first post in the "Prediction Game" section (for Zakstunts) and the first post in "Prediction Game for Estimation Game"?
9. How many days before the announcement of results was the earliest winner prediction made?
10. Who will be the next winner of the prediction game for the estimation game?
11. How many points have been predicted by Hungarian predictors in total (including Usrin The Slovak)?
12. Posts / day since thread opening?
13. Total number of points predicted for Argentinian estimators?
+1. First three forum accounts to view the Prediction Game For Estimation Game thread in the month of August.
Chat - Misc / Hey Duplode
June 18, 2013, 01:43:48 PM
Chat - Misc / Hey Usrin
March 19, 2013, 07:25:47 PM
Can you tell me anything about this rock?

It's heavy and absorbs heat well.
Stunts Chat / The Skid challenge
December 14, 2012, 01:41:52 PM
You know how the opponents are always just so easy to beat?
Well, I seem to have designed a track on which it is really, really hard to beat Skid, if he has the same car as you.

The challenge: you vs Skid, Nissan Skyline vs Nissan Skyline, no replay handling.

I managed after 10 or 15 attempts, but only using some not so nice tricks.
Chat - Misc / Akoss Poo
November 19, 2012, 01:19:44 AM
Once a lonely, depressive man.

Now look at him...

Stunts Chat / Breasts
July 21, 2012, 12:47:31 PM
I like breasts so much. Breasts can be great in several ways and they all make me feel happy and meaningful. My favourite kind is what I will call 'voluptuous boobs'. Boobs that are of such a size that they get into line with the woman's neck and shoulders and shape her body, becoming integrated, rather than add-ons. Voluptuous boobs move around slightly every time the woman moves, even if she just raises her arm or shifts in the seat. And they look confident, saying: "look out world, here we come!". The girl across from me right now has voluptuous boobs. She made me start this thread.
This line is dedicated to her, and to her breasts.
My next favourite kind of breasts are shy breasts. Shy breasts reveal femininity in an otherwise sharp-looking woman. They look fragile, but not sorry. They look like they have a sense of style, but don't want to be seen too much - like a poet living by the sea. Shy breasts make me glorious because when you look at them and it's as if they don't want to be seen, that makes them much more intriguing - and it leads away into the collaged character of the woman, who might otherwise keep a facade.
My third favourite kind of breasts are smooth breasts. The ideally sized breasts that are not too small and not too big. They just sit there, as a perfect extension to the rest of the body, like voluptuous boobs, but not taking as much attention as them. You can sit and look for a long time at smooth breasts, just like a painting or a beautiful landscape.
Breasts are an extra joy in life. Women are already beautiful, and then they just take it one step up by having breasts. It's a good thing that never dies. New breasts are growing every day and nothing can stop it. Because there are breasts, there is always something to dream of in life - to see great breasts and to hold them. I am thankful that I am a man because that means I don't have breasts myself, which means breasts can stay in the glory of mystery - something that has a value because it's not always accessible, and it has different levels of accessibility (looking, looking closely/drooling, examining, fondling, tit-stallin...).
Stunts does not have breasts. It is one of women's big edges over Stunts.

I want to gather here a testimony - a celebration - of all of your best experiences in the wonderful world of breasts. I don't think it's a coincidence that the sign for infinity is a pair of breasts. It is an infinite joy.
Chat - Misc / The End / The New Wave / Jacky
May 08, 2012, 08:21:48 PM
Hey guys!

JTK is not the only Stunts driver who has a band. My band has just finished our first 4 demos. You can check it out and download it here:

I play keyboards on all songs, and I sing on three them, which I also wrote. Feel free to share the songs with anyone you like.
And to like us on Facebook:
Stunts Chat / Hoping Competiton
March 31, 2012, 01:09:18 PM
Who is the winner of the hoping competition of March 2012?
Stunts Chat / The old forums
February 06, 2012, 12:57:03 AM
does anyone have a link to the really old pre-Zakstunts forums, like Neil McRae's forum and the one on Are they archived somewhere?
Do you remember Lotus III?
Not such a great game, but oh the music... I found the original and true PC Speaker version. It will make your brain explode.
Stunts Chat / Stunts and music (again)
October 08, 2011, 06:59:16 PM
So many songs remind me of racing on Stunts tracks - on the roads through a whole album, maybe trying the same trick over and over again during a certain song... And when I listen to the songs again, visions appear of Stunts landscapes (Stunts has landscapes!) from tracks I don't remember now. A loop, a bridge to the left, green grass all around - or a small hill with a corner after it and then another hill... It's as if Stunts has its own space, and the music goes into this space and begins to belong there, and when you visit the music, you also visit the Stunts track. Some albums then remind me of success, others of eager competition with many motivated pipsqueaks, others of casual or absent-minded racing with a light feeling. Some songs remind me of long and lonely nights of frustrated replay handling, perhaps with an absolution at the end and then sweet sleep.
I'm listening to Erasure - Waiting For Sex, and I remember a sequence with a corkscrew, from some ISM track. There are so many tracks and so many parts of tracks which belong to different times. Some have a distinct feeling of nostalgia, almost mythical if they're from 2002 or 2001 - the tracks hold small clues about how life was then and how I was then. Small portholes to other memories from the same ages.
Some tracks are timeless, like Default. The thought patterns unlocked by racing on Default are not locked in time but in revolve around Stunts culture and the culture of competing with myself.

Music has always been a historian, keeping records of your life in a library that you can visit if you've forgotten it yourself. But Stunts is also such a historian. If I have to remember what October 2002 was like, for example, I think: ZCT18. I could even go have a race on it.

What songs or albums do you connect with Stunts, and what Stunts tracks do you connect with moments in your life?

Stunts Chat / Historical Replays
September 26, 2011, 04:36:53 PM
I came across this site on the Stunts Wiki

And I thought we ought to fill that up, so we can reference people there. It will probably be best if we can keep it down to a maximum of 10 replays.

I have listed some candidates:

Gutix Z70
Rotoi Z16
Ayrton Z90 (others from 2008?)
Ayrton Z100
Alain Eger
CTG/Renato Biker Torino
Ayrton Z59
Argammon Z35 (maybe the closest we get to a "perfect" replay, due to the limitations of the LM002)
Argammon Z60
Nailwood CTRACK29

I'm thinking there must be something really from ISM too, and then a really strong replay from Alan Rotoi in the ISA, to have the OWOOT aspect included.
We should also include permanent tracks, but I don't think that's possible.